From mcsweeneys.net
5 33
I’m a well-informed Hobbit—a Boffin from Overhill, thank you very much—who is in a kerfuffle about whom to throw my Hobbit-sized support behind. Fo...
17h ago
From mcsweeneys.net
BuzzFeed Quizzes If Everyone Who Wrote BuzzFeed Quizzes Was Depressed
1 1
Guess If These 40 Peripheral Figures in Your Life Actively Despise You or Don’t Know You Exist What Happy Days Character Are You? You Are Chuck Her...
2h ago
From mcsweeneys.net
The Real Thirteen Keys for Winning the White House
1 1
With the 2024 presidential campaign entering the homestretch, an anxious nation has once again turned to historian Allan Lichtman and his Thirteen ...
16h ago
From mcsweeneys.net
Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?
1 3
Are my hot flashes due to an estrogen imbalance or a rapidly warming planet hastened by unaccountable oil barons who own our elections? Am I irrita...
19h ago
From mcsweeneys.net
I Will Trample Your Freedom by Getting IVF Treatments
1 1
Not that you asked, but I’m in the uniquely devastating position of being unable to have kids the “usual way” (sex). My doctor gives my husband and...
23h ago
From mcsweeneys.net
Our Company Is Doing So Well That You’re All Fired
1 1
“Paramount Global lays off about 800 employees, a day after announcing record Super Bowl ratings.” — CNBC - - -Thank you for jumping on this last-m...
on Mar 1
From mcsweeneys.net
A Sociological Guide to the Parents at Your Local Playground
0 1
The referee This person has been taking their children to the playground since the 1930s and has developed an elaborate game that involves constant...
6h ago
From mcsweeneys.net
Nextdoor App or Stanford Prison Experiment?
0 1
1. It was founded in Silicon Valley with the sole purpose of amassing a bunch of prospective sociopaths together in one centralized location. 2. It...
on Thu, 6PM
From mcsweeneys.net
An Open Letter to Love Is Blind Producers About Why We Need a Lesbian Season
0 1
Dear Television Executives, It is time to make a lesbian season of Love Is Blind. Let me be clear: It is my sincere belief that Love Is Blind—in wh...
on Thu, 4PM
From mcsweeneys.net
I, Elon Musk, Will Pay Forty-Seven Dollars to Anyone Who Can Figure Out What’s Wrong with Me
0 3
“Musk’s Super PAC Offers $47 to Those Who Help It Find Trump Voters” — New York Times, 10/7/24 - - -Please help. My brain is like the Cybertruck n...
on Thu, 1PM
From mcsweeneys.net
The Faculty Mental Health Fair Has Been Postponed Again
0 0
Dear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in ...
on Thu, 5AM
From mcsweeneys.net
Selections from H.P. Lovecraft’s Brief Tenure as a Whitman’s Sampler Copywriter
0 0
White Chocolate Truffle What black arts could have stripped this chocolate of its natural hue? The horror of the unearthly, corpselike pallor of th...
on Oct 9
From mcsweeneys.net
We’re Turning Our Emergency Room into a Spirit Halloween
0 0
Good evening, and thank you all for attending this important town hall meeting. Due to budget cuts, we’re excited to announce our groundbreaking me...
on Oct 9
From mcsweeneys.net
Come Visit Our Town’s Fairly Old House
0 0
Plan your visit to our town’s Fairly Old House—a local history museum that’s somehow the fourth most popular thing to do here, according to TripAdv...
on Oct 6
From mcsweeneys.net
You Think Losing to Air Bud Is Bad, It’s Even Worse Being the Team That Beat Air Bud
0 0
Everyone knows it’s hard being the high school basketball team that lost to Air Bud. He’s a dog; it’s an embarrassing defeat. But people don’t real...
on Oct 5
From mcsweeneys.net
It’s Just a “Candidate Quality” Problem
0 0
“Donald Trump’s candidates keep delivering… for Democrats. Republicans didn’t learn their lesson in 2022 as MAGA mini-mes could once again cost the...
on Oct 5
From mcsweeneys.net
My Husband, Senator Ted Cruz, Is Just a Regular Guy
0 0
Hello, Christian Women’s Association of Texas. I’m Heidi Cruz, and I’m here to ask for your help in reelecting my husband Ted to the Senate. Now, I...
on Oct 5
From mcsweeneys.net
HBO’s Industry If the Industry Was Handcrafting Traditional Scandinavian Troll Dolls
0 0
A customer walks out of the troll store without buying a troll. ERIC: What the fuck did you say to him? HARPER: He wanted a Firefighter Troll. I sa...
on Oct 5
From mcsweeneys.net
JD Vance, a Very Normal Human Man, Sells Used Cars
0 0
Toyota Camry I’m a regular guy like you. I drive cars, sometimes several at once, and say “zoom zoom” and “brrrrrbrrrbrrrrbbbbbbrrrrr” when I drive...
on Oct 3
From mcsweeneys.net
Mr. Trump, a Quick Question Regarding the Purge Idea You Just Floated at This Rally
0 0
“You see these guys walking out with air conditioners with refrigerators on their back, the craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do the...
on Oct 2
From mcsweeneys.net
You Kids Don’t Understand Real Marriage
0 0
Listen, son, when I was your age, I thought I knew everything, and it looks like we have that in common. You think you know what this is all about?...
on Oct 1
From mcsweeneys.net
Making Plans on the Group Chat BINGO
0 0
Making Plans on <br>the Group Chat BINGO
on Oct 1
From mcsweeneys.net
A Letter to Indicted New York City Mayor Eric Adams from Joey, King of the Rats
0 0
“Mayor Eric Adams of New York City, a former police captain who ran on a law-and-order platform but whose tenure has been consumed by accusations o...
on Oct 1
From mcsweeneys.net
Faculty, Rejoice: Gmail Can Now Translate “Deanspeak”
0 0
We are thrilled to announce that Google Translate has recently added “Deanspeak” to its suite of language-detection tools. In addition to offering ...
on Sep 30
From mcsweeneys.net
Frequently Asked Questions About Leaf Blowers
0 0
What is the main use of leaf blowers? Leaf blowers allow us to powerfully blow leaves into big piles. This is totally awesome. It ensures that huma...
on Sep 29
From mcsweeneys.net
We Regret to Inform You We’ve Given the Job to a Sack of Potatoes
0 0
Dear Applicant, Thank you for your embarrassingly eager interest in our job opening and for getting to know us over the course of twelve rounds of ...
on Sep 26
From mcsweeneys.net
I Am a Lady, and Donald Trump Is My Protector
0 0
“You’re not going to be in danger any longer. You will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today. You will be protected...
on Sep 26
From mcsweeneys.net
Book Review: The Great Gatsby by the Xerox 914 Photocopier
0 0
Amid the rise of artificial intelligence, technophobes and Luddites have continued to insist that machines “can’t really write”—at least not the wa...
on Sep 26
From mcsweeneys.net
0 0
Dear [CHILD NAME], I’m sorry. I really am. I have a job. And I raise you. And neither of those two things is as time-consuming or difficult as crea...
on Sep 24
From mcsweeneys.net
People of Dune, You Will No Longer Have to Think About Water When I Am Elected
0 0
“‘I will protect women at a level never seen before. They will finally be healthy, hopeful, safe and secure,’ Trump said. ‘Their lives will be happ...
on Sep 24
From mcsweeneys.net
Mary, 487 Thunder Road, Neptune, NJ
0 0
So I’m listening to the radio, some oldies crap that my stupid mother can’t seem to get enough of. Yeah, fine, I’m still living at home. You think ...
on Sep 23
From mcsweeneys.net
Every Type of Movie Sequel Title
0 0
THE STRAIGHTFORWARD TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2 THE FOREBODING ROMAN TITLE: The Condiments Aisle, Part II THE PUNNY TITLE: The Secondiments Aisle...
on Sep 23
From mcsweeneys.net
Our Political Parties Have Totally Realigned
0 0
Our parties have totally realigned. Democrats are conservative now. Kamala Harris made not one but several references to the American military in h...
on Sep 22
From mcsweeneys.net
0 0
Are you tired of large corporate law firms making the same cookie cutter litigation? Do you fondly remember a time when quality mattered in law sui...
on Sep 22
From mcsweeneys.net
0 0
Sean Görman works as the villainous “Manager of Champions” in New England Championship Wrestling. A graduate of Emerson College’s creative writing...
on Sep 21
From mcsweeneys.net
"It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers" 15th Anniversary Beanie
0 0
It's fall, and you're feeling festive and tasteful as a pumpkin-spice-torched asshole. For the last fifteen years you've shared Colin Nissan's viral "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers" to everyone in your social circle and think it makes you so fucking quirky and clever. Now the air is...
on Sep 21
From mcsweeneys.net
A Note from Your Child’s School About Its Apps and Websites
0 0
Dear Parent or Guardian, Despite our laughably small budget, the district insists we keep up with tech trends. As a result, you must manage a shit ...
on Sep 20
From mcsweeneys.net
Things People Have Yelled Down to Me, a Person Trapped Alone at the Bottom of a Well
0 0
1. Are you sure you’re really trapped? You don’t look that trapped. 2. But you’re too smart to be trapped in a well. 3. Yeah, I was trapped in a we...
on Sep 20
From mcsweeneys.net
FAQ’s About Our New Patient Portal, HellthChase
0 0
Dear Patient, In our continual efforts to provide you with the confusing level of treatment you’ve come to expect, we’d like to introduce you to He...
on Sep 18
From mcsweeneys.net
The Problem with American College Campuses Is That I Desperately Miss Being Young
0 0
The wokeness epidemic has infected none of our institutions harder than our nation’s college campuses. It’s a sad sight to see these once bastions ...
on Sep 18
From mcsweeneys.net
Of Course We’re Going to Keep Feeding the Grizzly Bear
0 0
Look, this is not up for debate. We’re going to keep feeding the grizzly bear. Sure, he may not protect us in any tangible sense. In fact, sometime...
on Sep 18
From mcsweeneys.net
I’m Sorry, Nyarlathotep, But Now Is Not the Time to Pursue a New Hobgoblin Consort Like Laura Loomer
0 0
Thank you for granting me a moment of your precious time, Dread Lord Nyarlathotep. Especially given how busy you are during these final days of you...
on Sep 17
From mcsweeneys.net
0 0
Write down the most common intrusive thought that keeps you up at night, but don’t include your name. Then choose a table leader to read each thoug...
on Sep 16
From mcsweeneys.net
Twelve Post-Birth Abortion Methods
0 0
“In Tuesday’s presidential debate, former President Donald Trump again falsely claimed that Democrats support abortions ‘after birth’ and ‘executin...
on Sep 16
From mcsweeneys.net
An Open Letter to Bluey’s Parents: Please Stop
0 0
Mum. Dad. Let me begin by saying I’m a fan. You are truly two of the finest method actors of your dog generation. Your commitment to playing Ground...
on Sep 15
From mcsweeneys.net
0 0
As a member of the media, I believe that Vice President Kamala Harris owes the American people an explanation for changing her 2020 position on Med...
on Sep 14
From mcsweeneys.net
Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with the Tackle and the Bait
0 0
2024 Presidential Debate Philadelphia, Pennsylvania September 10, 2024 9:01 PM: The candidates enter. Vice President Kamala Harris walks up decisiv...
on Sep 11
From mcsweeneys.net
But What If I Don’t Care for Hope and Joy?
0 0
As we approach the third straight Most Important Election of Our Lifetime, many of us face the same question we faced the last two times. Specifica...
on Sep 11
From mcsweeneys.net
Sun Tzu: The Art of the War On Christmas
0 0
I. Laying Plans 1. Sun Tzu says: The art of the war on Christmas is of vital importance to the snowflake. 2. When the blinking multi-colored lights...
on Sep 10
From mcsweeneys.net
0 0
English department seeks a tenure-track assistant professor specializing in Shakespeare, Romanticism, Victorianism, modernism, post-modernism, post...
on Sep 10