From thebeaverton.com
Trump unable to pursue military invasion of Canada due to bone spurs - The Beaverton
0 6
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Speaking from his private resort President-Elect Trump explained that, despite his rhetoric, he won’t be able to make good on his threats to annex Canada because of his bone spurs. “Believe me, I want to do it. Itching to do it. But unfortunately my doctors tell me that any...
on Sun, 7PM
From thebeaverton.com
Canadian man tempted to support annexation just to watch Americans try to deal with Quebec
0 1
OTTAWA – Local man Matthew Kearns has admitted that, despite despising Trump and wanting Canada to remain independent, it would almost be worth becoming the 51st state just to watch American politicians and media try to wrap their heads around Quebec. “I’m a proud Canadian and wouldn’t sacrifice...
on Sun, 3PM
From thebeaverton.com
5 ways to reuse your “Fuck Trudeau” flags
0 0
Listen up, Canadian patriots: the day you've been waiting for has finally come. That's right, Justin Trudeau, the guy you've been threatening to fuck for the last several years like the common sense Canadians you are, has finally announced that he is resigning.
on Jan 8
From thebeaverton.com
Science Win! This AI video of a dog eating spaghetti uses the same amount of power as Haiti!
0 0
THE INTERNET - Just when you thought technology couldn’t get any awesomer, this latest generative video super computer can now make an entire video of a dog eating spaghetti in mere seconds, and all it takes is the same amount of power used by the whole nation of Haiti in a single day. Mamma mia!
on Jan 6
From thebeaverton.com
Churchapalooza showcases new Christian ACDC cover band ADBC
0 0
SALT LAKE CITY - North America's biggest Christian rock music festival, Churchapalooza, is excited to announce their newest headliner and this year's most talked about group – the AC/DC cover band, AD/BC.
on Jan 2
From thebeaverton.com
0 0
“We have named some of the squirrels, if that helps anyone, although we lost track of which one was which almost immediately."
on Dec 27
From thebeaverton.com
News Anchor excited for annual holiday tradition of paying lip service to Hannukah
0 0
VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hannukah.
on Dec 24
From thebeaverton.com
0 0
“I love my wife, believe me. But is there a dollar amount that might make me think twice the next time we were standing under a particularly dangerous chandelier?"
on Dec 15
From thebeaverton.com
Nova Scotian mall insists giant tree will only eat "3 to 4 kids, max" this Christmas
0 0
DARTMOUTH, NS - With international media picking up the story of “the creepiest Christmas tree of 2021”, administrators at Mic Mac Mall have assured shoppers that Woody will consume no more than 4 children this holiday shopping season.
on Dec 15
From thebeaverton.com
Trudeau unveils new campaign slogan: "I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave"
0 0
OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying that his 2025 election campaign slogan will be “I Got...
on Dec 15
From thebeaverton.com
"Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?" wonders man in car
0 0
TORONTO – Reports from this morning rush hour suggest that people who drive everywhere continue to wonder why Toronto traffic is so bad. “I don’t understand it,” said Lloyd Travers. “Every day I drive from my home near Lawrence subway station to my office at King & Yonge, and the traffic just...
on Dec 11
From thebeaverton.com
Trump encouraging NATO members to increase military spending by making the US a viable target
0 0
MAR-A-LAGO, FL - U.S. President-Elect Donald Trump has unveiled a key component of his plan to make other member nations of NATO invest more in defense; turning America into a viable international target so they have no choice but to come to its rescue.
on Dec 8
From thebeaverton.com
Puerto Ricans pissed Canada could become U.S. state before them
0 0
SAN JUAN, PR – In the wake of Donald Trump unveiling plans to make Canada the 51st U.S. state, Puerto Ricans who have been trying to attain proper electoral representation expressed their frustration with Canada jumping the line and receiving statehood before them. “Look, Canada is a lovely...
on Dec 8
From thebeaverton.com
Latest Drake track features his Mom asking Kendrick to stop bullying her son
0 0
TORONTO - The latest diss track in the hip-hop industry's highest profile feud features Drake's mother, Sandi Graham, personally requesting that rap superstar Kendrick Lamar stop saying such hurtful things to her son.
on Dec 6
From thebeaverton.com
Defiant Joe Rogan insists he’s not a propaganda asset, just actually this stupid
0 0
AUSTIN, TX - Following comments on Russia's invasion of Ukraine, where multi-millionaire podcaster Joe Rogan blamed Ukrainian defence for "causing World War III", the podcast phenom clarified that he was not echoing Kremlin propaganda, but is in fact truly this fucking braindead.
on Dec 1
From thebeaverton.com
Transparent plots to buy votes are cynical, effective, political scientists find
0 0
OTTAWA, ON ― A new survey of political scientists found broad consensus that financial giveaways are a both arrogant and very successful strategy to curry the favour of voters too shortsighted to put on winter tires, let alone make national decisions that reverberate for generations.
on Nov 30
From thebeaverton.com
Loblaws credits record profits to "raising prices on things humans need to live"
0 0
BRAMPTON, ON - Loblaw Companies Ltd.'s fourth-quarter results beat analysts' expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people for things they need to stay alive.”
on Nov 17
From thebeaverton.com
Canada turns off all lights in hopes US will think we're not home
0 0
OTTAWA - With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will not get drawn into any mess that inevitably ensues.
on Nov 5
From thebeaverton.com
Torontonians offer to let Doug Ford wear "Mayor" sash if he just leaves them alone
0 0
TORONTO – With Queen’s Park ordering the removal of the city’s bike lane infrastructure, an exasperated Toronto has offered to start calling Ontario Premier Doug Ford “Mayor”, thus satiating his lifelong yearning for the job, if he just stopped trying to ruin the city and got back to the job of...
on Nov 2
From thebeaverton.com
Report: 90% of Canadians plan to spend U.S. election day rocking back and forth while moaning softly
0 0
OTTAWA - A recent survey has revealed that 9 out of every 10 Canadians will spend the entirety of November 3 experiencing a moderate to severe panic attack, manifesting itself in curling into a ball and mumbling ‘this isn’t happening’ over and over again.
on Oct 27
From thebeaverton.com
Coworker putting up Christmas decorations justifiably murdered
0 1
"For the mental health of the workplace, she had to be terminated.”
on Oct 26
From thebeaverton.com
Trudeau to cut immigration so he has less competition for his job search next year
0 0
OTTAWA – The Liberal government has lowered immigration targets in the hopes Justin Trudeau sees less competition in the private sector job market when he starts sending around resumes sometime in the next few months.
on Oct 25
From thebeaverton.com
New Brunswick notifies Blaine Higgs’ parents that his name changing to “ex-premier Blaine Higgs”
0 0
FREDERICTON - Today officials with the New Brunswick Government notified the parents of Blaine Higgs, which they are required to do according to Policy 713, to inform them that Higgs name is being officially changed to “ex-premier Blaine Higgs”.
on Oct 22
From thebeaverton.com
5 funniest options for which Conservative MP engaged in foreign interference
0 0
Yesterday Justin Trudeau stated that Conservative “Parliamentarians” are engaged in foreign interference in Canadian elections. And many observers pointed out that it was a bit odd for our Head Of Government to drop a bomb like that and then refuse to give names due to an ongoing investigation,...
on Oct 18
From thebeaverton.com
0 0
“Have I ever said that the Earth is flat? Maybe. I don’t know, I say a lot of things. Does it bother you if I ever said that? Then I have never said that."
on Oct 17
From thebeaverton.com
Doug Ford reveals how he will destroy 5 more Toronto landmarks
0 0
Having managed to take down Ontario Place and The Science Centre, Doug Ford’s plans to destroy every cool thing in Toronto appear to be well under way. But the man who put the Buck into ‘this beer costs way more than a buck’ has been surprisingly cagey about what he has in mind. Fortunately he […]
on Oct 7
From thebeaverton.com
Loblaws: “now we need to raise prices because of deflation or whatever”
0 0
TORONTO – After years of blaming inflation for raising prices on groceries, Canadian grocery chain behemoth Loblaws has announced that the current low interest rate environment will also require them to raise prices for, um, reasons. “Everyone knows inflation and not corporate greed is the...
on Oct 5
From thebeaverton.com
Montreal driver accidentally discovers turn signal while reaching for latte
0 0
MONTREAL – Driver Claude Williams was surprised to discover the turn signal on his Toyota RAV4 - a feature of his car thus far unknown to him and most Montreal drivers – while reaching for his first pumpkin spice latte of the season.
on Oct 5
From thebeaverton.com
0 0
OTTAWA: A new poll by Abacus has found that the Liberals support has plummeted so low that the only support they have left is the Conservative Premiers who get to remain popular while Canadians blame Trudeau for things that are technically their domain. “In the last two weeks we’ve seen the...
on Oct 1
From thebeaverton.com
Stoned guy at mass really enjoying Body of Christ
0 0
WINDSOR, ON — A stoned man attending Catholic mass this past weekend appeared to particularly enjoy the Communion wafers on offer.
on Sep 26
From thebeaverton.com
Top travel destinations for people who don’t care how much the locals hate them
0 0
Are your local vacation pics not generating enough hate online? Are you feeling stuck in a rut of angering only your neighbours and want to try getting yelled at by different cultures in exotic locales? If you have more money and time than you have shame, here are a few vacation spots for those...
on Sep 24
From thebeaverton.com
Co-worker that everyone hates surprised he can't get colleagues to do what he wants
0 0
OTTAWA – Local man Pierre Poilievre, an employee at an Ottawa small business named the House of Commons, was surprised that none of the colleagues who despise him were willing to support him with his proposal for q4 strategies. “I didn’t even listen to his ‘carbon tax election’ plan if I’m being...
on Sep 23
From thebeaverton.com
Rebel News not eligible for journalism tax credits, files with Russian government instead
0 0
TORONTO - Following a Canadian Federal Court decision that Rebel News doesn't qualify for journalism tax credits because it doesn't produce enough original news content, the far-right outlet has filed instead with the Russian government for financial assistance.
on Sep 21
From thebeaverton.com
Rogers promises Leafs, Raptors fans that their teams will be just as successful as current Blue Jays
0 0
TORONTO – After announcing they had acquired majority control of Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, the board of Rogers Communications reassured Leafs, Raptors, TFC and Argos fans that soon, their teams will be just as successful as the Blue Jays have been under Rogers ownership. “If there is...
on Sep 19
From thebeaverton.com
Rogers promises Leafs, Raptors fans that their teams will be just as successful as current Blue Jays
0 0
TORONTO – After announcing they had acquired majority control of Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, the board of Rogers Communications reassured Leafs, Raptors, TFC and Argos fans that soon, their teams will be just as successful as the Blue Jays have been under Rogers ownership. “If there is...
on Sep 18
From thebeaverton.com
WestJet debuts new slogan: “Air Canada, but somehow worse.”
0 0
CALGARY – WestJet has finally embraced its reputation as one of Canada’s most reviled airlines with the debut of its new company slogan: “Air Canada, but somehow worse.”
on Sep 14
From thebeaverton.com
Air Canada pilots threaten to continue operating Air Canada flights until their demands are met
0 0
Air Canada insists that its pilots are already paid a fair rate for the grim work they perform.
on Sep 13
From thebeaverton.com
10 ways the Liberals can still win the next election
0 0
The Liberal Party has fallen a teeny tiny little bit behind the Conservatives in the polls. And with an election possibly imminent Liberals insiders are reportedly telling PM Trudeau that he can’t win. But we say that is pure hogwash. Here are 10 simple ways the Liberals can still win the next...
on Sep 13
From thebeaverton.com
Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
0 0
COPENHAGEN – An international coalition of scientists with expertise in quantum mechanics, wave theory and atomic structure have assembled at the Nils Bohr Institute and announced plans to tackle the newly-discovered, deeply troubling temporal paradox that allows people younger than you to have had kids.
on Sep 12
From thebeaverton.com
University class discussion forum used exclusively to ask questions already answered in class
0 0
OTTAWA, ON ― The latest analysis of a local first-year North American History course discussion forum has revealed that every one of the 173 questions posted there was already answered in class.
on Sep 12
From thebeaverton.com
0 0
“If China wants to affect the outcome of Canada’s elections, they should do it the old fashioned way, by buying a 66% stake in Postmedia."
on Sep 9
From thebeaverton.com
Top 5 courses at Jordan Peterson's new University
0 0
Jordan Peterson has unveiled his “anti-woke” University: Peterson Academy. Which is definitely a real university and not just Conservative MasterClass. Being the curious intellectuals we are, we signed up and are here to report back on the 7 courses you absolutely have to take to broaden your...
on Sep 9
From thebeaverton.com
Jagmeet Singh asserts independence by doing exactly what Pierre Poilievre told him to
0 0
OTTAWA – NDP leader Jagmeet Singh has terminated his party’s confidence and supply agreement with the Liberals, boldy staking a claim to independence a few days after Pierre Poilievre told him to. “For two years Canadians have seen us as the Liberals’ little brother. Their yes-men,” said Singh....
on Sep 4
From thebeaverton.com
Wizard? This woman timed her edible to the end of her workday
0 0
NANAIMO, BC – Local woman Michelle Jennings has been labelled as some form of all-seeing sorceress after perfectly timing her edible to the end of her workday.
on Aug 29
From thebeaverton.com
Ontario orders 5 new jet planes to counter theft of helicopters
0 0
TORONTO - The Ontario government has ordered a handful of high-altitude jet planes to try and stanch the rash of thieves making off with the helicopters that were purchased to staunch the rash of car thefts in the province.
on Aug 26
From thebeaverton.com
0 0
Pierre Poilievre has repeatedly stated that the Nazis were socialists because their name is a shorthand for National Socialists. This is despite the fact that the Nazis rather infamously imprisoned and murdered thousands of people for the crime of being Socialists. So since Poilievre has...
on Aug 24
From thebeaverton.com
Coppertone unveils new SPF 1,000,000 sunblock that shrouds land in eternal darkness
0 0
“Thanks to our new SPF 1,000,000 sunblock, you, your family, and large swathes of your province will enjoy nonstop protection from harmful UV rays, light, and warmth.”
on Aug 16
From thebeaverton.com
Boeing offers stranded astronauts $200 voucher off next trip to space
0 0
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next trip into space.
on Aug 15