From babylonbee.com
Ozzy Osbourne Endorses Presidential Candidate But No One Could Understand Which One
1 1
LOS ANGELES, CA — Rock icon Ozzy Osbourne officially endorsed a presidential candidate Friday, but no one was able to determine who it was.
8h ago
From babylonbee.com
0 1
IRVINE, CA — A local man found himself at a crossroads today, as he was torn between working from home and being interrupted by his kids and working at the office and being interrupted by his coworkers.
on Fri, 3AM
From babylonbee.com
Walz Clarifies That He Meant The 'Tiananmen Square Chinese Buffet' In Omaha, Nebraska
0 1
NEW YORK, NY — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz explained that he misspoke when previously claiming he was present at the Tiananmen Square Massacre in China, clarifying he was actually at the Tiananmen Square Chinese Buffet in Omaha, Nebraska.
on Thu, 12AM
From babylonbee.com
'Do You Have A Business Card?' Asks Man Who Must Be Time Traveler From 1987
0 1
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Sources close to businessman Greg Smith say that the 43-year-old entrepreneur was recently accosted by what seems to have been a time traveler from 1987 who asked if Smith happened to have a business card.
on Sun, 11AM
From babylonbee.com
Justice Department Assures Americans Diddy Is Securely Locked Away In Epstein's Old Cell
0 0
NEW YORK — A representative from the U.S. Department of Justice assured the American public that music mogul-turned-sex trafficking suspect Sean "Diddy" Combs had been securely locked away in Jeffrey Epstein's old prison cell.
on Sep 25
From babylonbee.com
'共产主义是最好的! 好好好!' Says Tim Walz In Eloquent Rebuttal Of Alleged Ties To China
0 1
SAINT PAUL, MN — Facing new allegations of inappropriate ties to the Chinese Communist Party in the middle of the home stretch of the presidential election, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered a swift and stern rebuttal in perfect Mandarin Chinese.
on Sep 25
From babylonbee.com
Shout For Joy! Here Are The Top 10 Verses From The New Kamala Harris Bible Translation
0 0
Nav Press, Inc., publisher of The Message, announced The Kamala Harris Version of the Holy Bible. It features text lovingly translated by linguists from Indian to Jamaican, back to Indian, then into English, and then into Kamala's version of English. This is the most diverse and equitable Bible yet!
on Sep 24
From babylonbee.com
California Police Raid Seizes Over 2,000 Memes
0 0
LONG BEACH, CA — In an immediate sign that Governor Gavin Newsom's crackdown on memes is taking effect, the Long Beach Police Department announced that a special tactical unit executed a raid of a private residence today and seized over 2,000 memes.
on Sep 20
From babylonbee.com
Governor Abbott Declares Texas Sanctuary State For Memers
0 1
AUSTIN, TX — Following the aggressive action taken by California against humor, satire, and online memes, Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order to declare Texas a sanctuary state for memers.
on Sep 20
From babylonbee.com
Kamala Safe And In Stable Condition After Attempted Interview
0 0
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Americans across the country breathed a sigh of relief this morning following breaking news that Vice President Kamala Harris had survived an attempted interview.
on Sep 18
From babylonbee.com
Media Assures Americans The Real Threat Is The Side That Keeps Getting Shot At
0 0
U.S. — In the wake of yet another assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, the media sought to assure Americans that the real threat isn't the side doing the shooting.
on Sep 16
From babylonbee.com
DOJ Warns If Trump Is Elected He Will Do To Them All The Stuff They're Doing To Him
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials from the Department of Justice issued a public warning that, if Donald Trump is elected, he will do to them all of the stuff they're currently doing to him.
on Sep 14
From babylonbee.com
Challenger Kamala Harris Agrees To Debate Incumbent Kamala Harris
0 2
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move geared toward clarifying her positions on important issues, a Kamala Harris campaign spokesperson announced that challenger Kamala Harris had agreed to debate incumbent Kamala Harris.
on Aug 31
From babylonbee.com
Democrats Consider Replacing Kamala Harris With More Coherent Joe Biden
0 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the Vice President's widely criticized pre-taped interview with CNN, reports circulated that the Democrats were considering replacing Kamala Harris with the more coherent Joe Biden.
on Aug 30
From babylonbee.com
Five Guys Down To Just Two Guys After California Minimum Wage Increase
0 1
ALEXANDRIA, VA — California's minimum wage hike claimed another victim this week in the popular fast-food burger joint now formerly known as Five Guys. Following a massive round of layoffs, the fast-food restaurant is now down to only two guys.
on Aug 30
From babylonbee.com
‘What Do YOU Think My Policies Might Be?’ Kamala Harris Asks CNN’s Dana Bash During Interview
0 1
SAVANNAH, GA — In a brilliant stroke of political savvy, Kamala Harris answered one of Dana Bash's questions on her proposed policies by turning the question back on the interviewer: "What do YOU think my policies might be, Dana?"
on Aug 29
From babylonbee.com
Biden To Get Away From Pressures And Demands Of Beach With Brief Vacation To White House
0 0
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Sources close to President Joe Biden report that he had recently decided to "take a break" from the pressures and demands of life on the beach by taking a brief vacation to the White House.
on Aug 29
From babylonbee.com
Reporter Who Asked Kamala A Question Charged With Hate Crime
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The presidential race took a sobering turn this morning, as a reporter who asked Vice President Kamala Harris a question was arrested and charged with committing a hate crime.
on Aug 26
From babylonbee.com
Attorney General Reminds Americans That Questioning The 2024 Election Is Illegal Unless Trump Wins
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Merrick Garland responded to questions about election integrity and the peaceful transfer of power Friday by reminding everyone that questioning the results of a lawful election is illegal — unless Trump wins.
on Aug 26
From babylonbee.com
Democrats Encourage Supporters To Go To The Polls By Telling Them Beyoncé Will Be There
0 0
U.S. — To improve Kamala Harris' chances of victory, Democrats are encouraging supporters to go to the polls on election day by promising them that American singer, songwriter, and businesswoman Beyoncé will be there.
on Aug 25
From babylonbee.com
Citizens of Fiji Drinking Delicious Bottled 'AMERICA Water'
0 0
FIJI — All across the island nation of Fiji, citizens have taken to drinking delicious, freedom-filled bottles of "AMERICA Water."
on Aug 25
From babylonbee.com
Team Of MIT Physicists Says They Are Close To Figuring Out If This Is One Paper Plate Or Two
0 0
BOSTON, MA — A team of MIT's top physicists recently studied a paper plate and determined they are close to knowing if it is one plate or two stuck together.
on Aug 23
From babylonbee.com
Dad, Toddler Equally Mesmerized By Excavator
0 1
PAOLA, KS — A local wife and mother reported a fascinating incident today, as she entered her family's living room to find her husband and toddler son equally mesmerized by the sight of an excavator working across the street.
on Aug 16
From babylonbee.com
Sean Astin Goes Campaigning In The Dead Marshes To Register New Democrat Voters
0 1
THE DEAD MARSHES — Beloved Hollywood celebrity Sean Astin, famous for starring in The Goonies and Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, has reportedly journeyed to the Dead Marshes to register new Democrat voters.
on Aug 16
From babylonbee.com
U.K. Issues Arrest Warrant For Social Media User '@Real_PopeFranci$' Over Use Of Gay Slurs
0 1
LONDON — Citing new laws criminalizing offensive online behavior, British police have issued an arrest warrant for social media user "@Real_PopeFranci$" over repeated posts featuring gay slurs.
on Aug 10
From babylonbee.com
Journalists Confused By Presidential Candidate Standing In Front Of Cameras And Answering Questions
0 1
PALM BEACH, FL — Members of the media were caught off guard today and expressed confusion after seeing a presidential candidate standing in front of cameras and answering questions.
on Aug 9
From babylonbee.com
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After hearing Josh Shapiro might be Kamala Harris's pick for Vice President, Democrats worry his name on the ticket might cost them the all-important "Death To America" vote.
on Aug 6
From babylonbee.com
Amazon Releases Special Edition 'Husband Alexa' That Will Respond To Wife’s Stories On Your Behalf
0 0
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon announced this week that it would be releasing a special edition version of its popular Alexa smart speaker exclusively for husbands called "Husband Alexa." The new device — also called "Alex" — will respond to your wife's long stories so you don't have to.
on Aug 4
From babylonbee.com
‘Trump Is Scared To Debate!' Says Party Whose Last Candidate Had To Quit Politics After Debate
0 1
WASHINGTON, DC — Democrats have boldly declared President Trump to be scared of debating, just a month after their last candidate was forced to quit politics forever after a debate with Trump.
on Aug 3
From babylonbee.com
0 1
SHORES OF GALILEE — After disciples asked the Teacher why He always portrayed them as sheep in parables, Jesus helpfully explained that it's because sheep are very, very stupid.
on Aug 3
From babylonbee.com
White House Assures Journalists They Only Have To Pretend Kamala Is Likable For A Couple More Months
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the 2024 presidential race makes its turn into the final stretch, the White House assured journalists that they would only have to pretend Kamala Harris is likable for a couple more months.
on Aug 2
From babylonbee.com
Trump Counters 'You're Weird' Criticism With Devastating Response 'I Know You Are But What Am I?'
0 0
PALM BEACH, FL — Sources close to Donald Trump report that the presidential candidate "absolutely devastated" Kamala Harris' statements labeling him as weird with the brilliant response "I know you are, but what am I?"
on Aug 1
From babylonbee.com
'Did You Mean: Donate to Kamala Harris?' Google Asks User Searching For Info On Trump
0 0
U.S. — Local Internet surfer Dean Chamberlain was confused Monday after his Google search for "Donate to Trump Campaign" presented results for "Donate to Kamala Harris."
on Jul 31
From babylonbee.com
Kamala Harris Distances Herself From Kamala Harris
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Presidential candidate Kamala Harris distanced herself from Kamala Harris after members of the press confronted her with questions about her past.
on Jul 26
From babylonbee.com
Democratic Party Leaders Vow To Save Democracy By Overruling Voters, Staging Coup
0 0
U.S. — Leaders of the Democratic Party have vowed to overturn 14 million votes in the Democratic primary and stage a coup d'etat against the sitting President in order to save democracy.
on Jul 21
From babylonbee.com
Husband Counters Wife’s Claim He’s No Fun With Convincing Spreadsheet
0 0
DRAPER, UT — Local husband Aaron Campbell presented a detailed spreadsheet to his wife of all the ways he's a super great time after she accused him of being no fun.
on Jul 21
From babylonbee.com
Activision Announces Release Of 'Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof'
0 0
U.S. — Video game developer Activision announced what has quickly become its most anticipated release in years, with newest franchise installment Call Of Duty: Moderately Sloped Roof.
on Jul 20
From babylonbee.com
Entire Microsoft Network Goes Down After Greg Removes USB Device Without Clicking 'Eject' First
0 0
REDMOND, WA — Microsoft servers across the globe crashed Friday after Microsoft employee Greg Wilson, a Principal Software Engineering Lead, removed a USB device without clicking "Eject" first.
on Jul 20
From babylonbee.com
Airbnb Listing Stipulates You Must Remodel Kitchen Before Checkout
0 0
PHOENIX, AZ — A local family found themselves in a difficult situation when packing up to head home after vacation when they discovered that the Airbnb listing for the home they stayed in stipulated that they must remodel the kitchen before checking out.
on Jul 19
From babylonbee.com
Goliath Claims He Only Lost Because He Fought David On Slightly Sloped Surface
0 0
VALLEY OF ELAH — Archaeological findings from the Judean Foothills have just shed new light on the story of David and Goliath, revealing that Goliath claimed to have lost merely because he happened to be fighting David on a slightly sloping hill.
on Jul 19
From babylonbee.com
85 Minutes Into Rules Explanation, Man Regrets Agreeing To Play Friend's Fun New Board Game
0 0
MURFREESBORO, TN — Sources close to Scott Trimble report that the 36-year old began to "highly regret" agreeing to play one of his friend Lance's new board games as Lance's explanation of the rules of "Dark Moon: The Last Of Malevolence" entered its 85th minute.
on Jul 19
From babylonbee.com
0 0
TULSA, OK — Local five-year-old David Daniels ignored his mother's repeated warnings to stop standing in front of the microwave, and now Daniels is flying across the globe stopping criminals with his spectacular mutant powers.
on Jul 13
From babylonbee.com
Desperate Democrats Ask Buffalo Guy If He Can Stage Another Insurrection
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With President Biden's poll numbers continuing to fall and projections for November's elections looking grim, desperate Democrats called the January 6 buffalo guy on the phone to see if he'd be willing to stage another insurrection.
on Jul 13
From babylonbee.com
Democrats Warn Of Terrifying Fascist State Where Government Shrinks And People Can Afford Groceries
0 0
U.S. — As the November presidential election continued to draw closer, prominent Democrats gave the American people a stern warning about the prospect of a terrifying fascist state where government shrinks and people can afford groceries.
on Jul 11
From babylonbee.com
‘We Can’t Let A Convicted Felon In The White House,’ Biden Tells Hunter
0 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the race for the presidency intensified, an administration insider disclosed that President Biden warned his son, Hunter, that allowing a convicted felon to be in the White House would be a disgrace and disastrous for the country.
on Jul 3
From babylonbee.com
Awkward: Biden, Trump Bump Into Each Other At Same Tanning Salon
0 0
ARLINGTON, VA — Presidential candidates Joe Biden and Donald Trump avoided eye contact after bumping into each other at a local tanning salon this week.
on Jul 3
From babylonbee.com
Man Successfully Corrects Someone's Grammar But Oh No! Now He Doesn't Have Any Friends!
0 0
MILWAUKEE, WI — Sources close to local man Peter Thompson say that the self-appointed guardian of proper language scored big-time last week by successfully correcting someone else's grammar, but tragically lost not just one, but all two of his former friends as a result of his irritating dedication.
on Jul 3
From babylonbee.com
Pippin Suffers PTSD Flashback Every Time He Sees Someone Eat Cherry Tomato
0 0
THE SHIRE — Sources close to Peregrin "Pippin" Took report that the hobbit still suffers from PTSD flashbacks any time he witnesses someone in his general vicinity eating a cherry tomato.
on Jul 3
From babylonbee.com
0 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Official White House sources confirmed Monday that President Biden's State Department had contacted several enemy nations to politely ask that they would only consider attacking the United States between Biden's waking hours of 10:00 am to 4:00 pm EST.
on Jul 3
From babylonbee.com
Democrats Suddenly Change Slogan To 'Orange Man Good'
0 0
U.S. — After a noticeably carrot-hued President Joe Biden gave a live address to the nation last night, top Democrat marketing strategists scrambled to suddenly change their official slogan to "Orange Man Good."
on Jul 2